I’m on my knees and I am having a moment.

It’s a quiet, weight of the hurt of the world easing down to my shoulders, falling to the ground, sort of moment.

It’s a screaming out at the ocean and not hearing a response moment.

And I’m wondering: with all of this hurt, this anxiety, these emptied bank accounts, these breaking marriages, the unexpected pregnancies, the joblessness, the bills piling, the cars dying – why am I the only one here, shouting?

Where are the troops? Where is the cavalry to come and save the day?

Where are we?

Oh, we are talking. We are brainstorming and using internet searches to apply for jobs (that two hundred other people have already applied for), we are directing people in the ways they should go to find help. Yes! Go – go find that government assistance program (that we don’t want to pay for, because it’s not the government’s job to raise your babies) – Go, go stand in line for years for subpar housing, (while I have an empty room where you could take the time you need as a family to get back on track.)

Lord, give me more so that I can give it away.

 

I am on my knees, having a moment.

It’s an earnest, joyful, letting go moment, where my retirement savings (or lack there of) falls to the very bottom of the ocean of my priorities list.

It’s a thy-kingdom-come moment, where I realize that loving one another means more than praying and pointing in the right direction. Loving means giving time, patience, understanding, grace, and yes – if we are able – money and the means to live.

And no, there is no end to this. If we want to live like Christ, I seem to remember him taking his love and grace and compassion for us all right up to a pretty horrible, world-changing, death.

In light of that, it seems to me, I should be able to help my neighbor, my friends, the family beside me at church, without keeping a list of how much I have given (or asking when they can repay me.)

How can we complain that the government shouldn’t be helping people with food stamps, when we ourselves won’t give beyond measure?

I’m on my knees, having a moment.

It’s a I need to love in a way that flies in the face of this world, moment.

Lord, let me give until it hurts. Or better – let me give until the world and my family and friends all think me a fool.

If this life is a race, I don’t want to be the first across the finish line, while the wounded and weary are struggling to keep pace. I want to be the one lifting up tired bodies, with sweaty arms wrapped over my shoulders, encouraging tired legs to keep walking.

Lord, in this moment, in my life, I want to walk the walk.

Let my bank account drain, let my spare couch be well worn, let my fridge be emptied weekly, let my wardrobe dwindle, let my hands and feet be dirty and busy and full.

I am having a moment.

Lord, let this moment be the markings of my life.