Evaline woke me last week, by climbing up onto my bed and softly touching her fingertips to my shoulder. You never sleep this late.
Sleep? Had I been sleeping? My eyes could barely open, the weight of the lids felt just as heavy as they had when I’d collapsed into bed the night before.
It was 11:30.
Eleven-thirty? When was the last time that happened?
My life and the state of my brain can be summarized by the three, no wait, four, baskets of clean, unfolded laundry sitting on my bedroom floor. By the empty fruit bowl on my counter. By the overflowing trash bin in my bathroom. By my editing queue. By children who have not started school yet, because everything in me is in being swallowed into quicksand.
Don’t even get me started on dishes.
Everything about this summer was so full and emotional and vibrant and bustling and busy, right down to the final few days when we snuck away to the mountains – it’s hard to tell if I’m fatigued by the pace of the full life I’m living, or if it’s the TED, or if it’s all of the introspection, or if it’s work and the anxiety as I look ahead to next year and realize I haven’t booked nearly enough weddings, haven’t really done anything at all to promote my business outside of simply – maintaining. (Or not, as the calendar would suggest.)
I know, it’s likely all of the above.
And I know, this moment calls for a little bit of personal grace.
Unfolded towels is basically a way of life at this point. Editing is always going to be a lengthy process, and people understand. School will hit it’s stride, but next week. And I don’t need to feel inadequate or wrong for waiting until we’re all ready. If I’m too fatigued to do a seven mile run, three is okay. And if I can’t run, I can walk. And if I can’t do anything, that’s okay, too.
This morning, Lila comes in and asks me if we’re doing anything today. I’m sitting in my pajamas and waiting for Lightroom to load. Alex is doing a Civics lesson (that he has been doing all summer, not that I have been in any way helpful or actively involved with). Evaline is twirling in circles, hopping gracefully in the background behind Lila, imagining she’s a dancer on a stage. Asher is struggling to perfectly stack a Jenga tower, (and wailing in frustration each time it collapses to the ground).
We are doing things today. All of this, this is plenty. This is what we are doing today.
And maybe I’ll eventually go get fruit.